Retroactively Pissed

At myself.

Yeah, yeah… all the vague comments I’ve been dropping have made it seem like I’ve been building up to some big blow up about The Heroine. And that I’m gonna lay bare all the nastiest things I’ve every thought about her, or our breakup, her hygiene or anything else I could think of to make myself feel better.

And for a bit after talking to the Oracle about forgiveness and anger and letting go, I thought might be the case too. So I’m sure it came off that way here. But then again, I’ve never said whatever I was writing here was always gonna make sense, or was always gonna be the whole truth.

The dirty little secret about blogs (to me) is that they not only let you work things out and come to big important decisions and conclusions (hopefully), they show you the less reasoned, less grown up sides of who you are. At least if you’re doing it right. Plus, anyone who stumbles across this place that doesn’t know me just follows the progression. And for those who do know me and come here to check on my mental state, they know well enough to take all of this with a grain of salt. Mental Rock tumbler and all that.

So, being pissed…

Yeah, I was pissed about how thing went when The Heroine and I broke up. The woman you want to marry calls ‘Good game,’ on you, it tends to fuck with your world view. Add in a mix of people telling you everything from ‘You’ll get back together,’ to ‘She fucked up,’ to ‘Just forget her,’ to ‘Well, she never REALLY loved you…’ that doesn’t help much.

And off an on, I’ve been mad. And hurt. And felt betrayed. All that good classic, heart broken stuff.

All very cliched. All very real. All very important. To a point.

Have I come to conclusions of my own as to the how and the why and wherefore? Yep. Do they matter.

Nope. Not really. At least not to anyone but me and her. And I’m CERTAIN, that while there’s some overlap and commonality, we wouldn’t agree on every piece of the broken puzzle. If we did, we’d still be together. Irony, she’s a saucy bitch.

So where’s all the being pissed coming from?

That’s self directed. Or at least, it was. Until I just started to laugh at myself about the whole thing.

In all this… I won and didn’t realize it.

I was just pissed because it too me so long to realize it.

I have to another story to explain this one (a common trend here if you’ve been paying attention).

In chatting with Oracle, in talking about forgiveness, we talked about my Father. Not my Dad, not the man who adopted me, but my Father. The guy who raped my biological mother. To say that all I’ve had in my head and my heart for him was contempt would put it mildly. Oracle challenged me to think about a few things when it came to how I felt about him.

I won’t talk about the things that crossed my mind. Some of this I do keep to myself… but the important part is where I came out on the other side. What he did to my mother was one of the most evil things a person can do to someone else. No question. And I cannot forgive the act. I will try to forgive the man, even though I know nothing about him nor want to, ever.

But I can forgive myself.

Because I got to live. And that doesn’t make me a victim. That makes me blessed.

And with The Heroine, I won.

I got to love her. Love her. Without fear. Without hesitation. Without reservation. I got to really Love someone as a real, live grown up, packaged with all the heartful promises and worldly complications.

I got to spend time with her this past weekend and it confirmed what I thought I had realized. I don’t look at her and see the woman who broke my heart. The woman who made choices that hurt me. I see the woman who I Loved. And who Loved me.

Does it erase the mistakes that we both made? Nope. Does it change the fact that this year has been hard? No one inch.

But it did nothing but remind me of the most important thing I did while I was with her. I met someone amazing. I became her friend. And I became her Love. And she mine.

Yeah, it might be unwise to have her in my life as a friend. At least that’s the conventional wisdom. But I don’t have to look at her and think about what could have been. I know what was.

And it was good.

And now, she is my friend, amazingly enough. And that is good too.

So whatever comes next, with her, with work-work, with my writing here and elsewhere, I just have to make sure it doesn’t take so long to learn the lessons.

Because being pissed at myself, or the people I love, doesn’t serve a lot of use. Even retroactively.

Start By Writing One True Thing Every Day

I happily steal the title from something Hemingway said.

Now, actually doing it is the bitch.

Something true: I get in my own way a lot. Usually when I’m trying to be a good man instead of just being a man.

And I’m pretty sure the last, best example of that is when The Amazon came to visit and I let myself overthink everything. Which could be a very good reason as to why I haven’t heard from her (directly) since she left.

*WARNING: EGO DEFLATION APPROACHING* Speaking over thinking things, this could have absolutely NOTHING to do what me and could simply be about the facts that she a) needs to work at finding side work until she figures out if she’s going to take another job or start her own business and b) the fact that she’s got 3rd degree burns on her hand thanks to a kitchen mishap.

So I’m either a self centered ass who needs to get over himself or I’m a fool who just alienated someone who he was getting very close with in recent weeks.

Guess which one I’m pulling for at the moment?

And you know what? It’s not the most fucked up thing I’ve done in the last two months.

More true things (and some geekery to keep things interesting) tomorrow.

You are someone’s Asshole

Someone out there hates you. Don’t get me wrong, you may be a nice person. A great person in fact. Funny, smart, charming, sexy, successful, considerate, and all sorts of other things that can and do make your friends and loved ones value your presence in their lives.

All that still doesn’t change the fact that your an asshole.

Let’s discount a couple of types of people first. The easiest are the people that don’t really know you. This could be a person you drives like a dip-shit and thinks that you’re going too fast/slow and the world would be a better place if you got off your god damned bluetooth headset and paid attention to the fucking road. Next is the people who never gave you a chance, but decided they were certain you’re a complete buffoon from the instant you met them. Some of these people are just self absorbed. Some are just chronically unhappy and it shows in how they relate to people.

I could go on about these types of people in your life, but you get the idea. Again, not the point.

The person who has given you your true asshole definition is the person you’ve wronged the most. It could be a family member, it could be a co-worker or a business partner. There’s a good chance that its was once a great friend. But if you make me bet on who gave your asshole status, nine times out of ten I’m gonna say it was an ex.

The old sayings often ring true: You always hurt those you love the most. Lust certainly comes into the picture, but for the sake of argument, we’ll stick with love.

It probably happened when you were younger. High school generates assholes everyday, why should you be any different.  After all, teenagers – especially teenagers in love – don’t know shit. Even the most worldly teenagers don’t know shit when it comes to how and how easy and how badly you can hurt someone. If you managed to get through high school years, then it happened by the time you were 25.

It could have been in college, or shortly after. Maybe you didn’t go to college. That’s fine. But odds are, it was that first relationship you felt unprepared for. It was too serious, too confusing, too much of something. It goes that way a lot. Of course, the other opposite is just painful for you and the person you proved your asshole-dom too. You could have been ignoring all the signs being shouted at your by his smile, her body language, the way he tried to help or all the little a big things she did for you.

If I’m generous, you’ve only got one person, one ex-love carrying an asshole card for you. If I’m realistic, you’re probably carrying as many as you’ve handed out. Like a poker hand that you’ve crafted from broken relationships: some of them with a pair, a set or even four of a kind. The same mistake, over and over again, just hurting someone else. Or if you’re creative in the damage you’re doing, the numbers get bigger as the results get worse. Perhaps its the same type of person, with you just flushing it all away with different mistakes.

Me, I’d like to think that I’ve created the Royal Sampler of Asshole cards for myself… handing them out to the varied women from my past.

One for my first college sweetheart, who I tried to make amends with, but didn’t know when to just let go, making sad break up into something worse.

One for my ex roommate who I fell into bed with… thinking we’d fallen into a friends with benefits situation… only to find out late she was fairly crazy about me… calling me her ‘One.’ It ended messy and painful and far later than it should have.

One for The IrishLass, who I once was crazy for, but actually found the strength to let go and try to be a friend. She handed me a card, the one I know I don’t deserve, when it became clear that she couldn’t handle the fact that I didn’t want her anymore.

One for the Songbird, who I dated after she broke up with Fortunate Son. When IrishLass moved away, I went searching for something or someone to fill the void of our unconsummated relationship. Songbird, also looking for comfort and solace, made it easy for both of us. This was the card I know I deserve the most, the one I’ve owned up to the most and the one that bothers me the least now, looking back. I apologized and went above and beyond the call of trying to make amends. It just wasn’t ever enough.

Sometimes you can’t fix it. You can’t make it better. You have to come to terms with the fact that you were an asshole to someone. That you abused someones feelings. Odds are you didn’t mean it, and maybe you didn’t know that you were being inconsiderate, selfish or simply unaware.

Here are the two bright spots in this sky.

These were your worst moments. And you can learn from them.

I know I’m doing my best not too make the same mistakes. *INSERT JOKE ABOUT MAKING ALL NEW ONES*

I can only hope that the people who I’m carrying asshole cards for are doing the same thing.