You are someone’s Asshole

Someone out there hates you. Don’t get me wrong, you may be a nice person. A great person in fact. Funny, smart, charming, sexy, successful, considerate, and all sorts of other things that can and do make your friends and loved ones value your presence in their lives.

All that still doesn’t change the fact that your an asshole.

Let’s discount a couple of types of people first. The easiest are the people that don’t really know you. This could be a person you drives like a dip-shit and thinks that you’re going too fast/slow and the world would be a better place if you got off your god damned bluetooth headset and paid attention to the fucking road. Next is the people who never gave you a chance, but decided they were certain you’re a complete buffoon from the instant you met them. Some of these people are just self absorbed. Some are just chronically unhappy and it shows in how they relate to people.

I could go on about these types of people in your life, but you get the idea. Again, not the point.

The person who has given you your true asshole definition is the person you’ve wronged the most. It could be a family member, it could be a co-worker or a business partner. There’s a good chance that its was once a great friend. But if you make me bet on who gave your asshole status, nine times out of ten I’m gonna say it was an ex.

The old sayings often ring true: You always hurt those you love the most. Lust certainly comes into the picture, but for the sake of argument, we’ll stick with love.

It probably happened when you were younger. High school generates assholes everyday, why should you be any different.  After all, teenagers – especially teenagers in love – don’t know shit. Even the most worldly teenagers don’t know shit when it comes to how and how easy and how badly you can hurt someone. If you managed to get through high school years, then it happened by the time you were 25.

It could have been in college, or shortly after. Maybe you didn’t go to college. That’s fine. But odds are, it was that first relationship you felt unprepared for. It was too serious, too confusing, too much of something. It goes that way a lot. Of course, the other opposite is just painful for you and the person you proved your asshole-dom too. You could have been ignoring all the signs being shouted at your by his smile, her body language, the way he tried to help or all the little a big things she did for you.

If I’m generous, you’ve only got one person, one ex-love carrying an asshole card for you. If I’m realistic, you’re probably carrying as many as you’ve handed out. Like a poker hand that you’ve crafted from broken relationships: some of them with a pair, a set or even four of a kind. The same mistake, over and over again, just hurting someone else. Or if you’re creative in the damage you’re doing, the numbers get bigger as the results get worse. Perhaps its the same type of person, with you just flushing it all away with different mistakes.

Me, I’d like to think that I’ve created the Royal Sampler of Asshole cards for myself… handing them out to the varied women from my past.

One for my first college sweetheart, who I tried to make amends with, but didn’t know when to just let go, making sad break up into something worse.

One for my ex roommate who I fell into bed with… thinking we’d fallen into a friends with benefits situation… only to find out late she was fairly crazy about me… calling me her ‘One.’ It ended messy and painful and far later than it should have.

One for The IrishLass, who I once was crazy for, but actually found the strength to let go and try to be a friend. She handed me a card, the one I know I don’t deserve, when it became clear that she couldn’t handle the fact that I didn’t want her anymore.

One for the Songbird, who I dated after she broke up with Fortunate Son. When IrishLass moved away, I went searching for something or someone to fill the void of our unconsummated relationship. Songbird, also looking for comfort and solace, made it easy for both of us. This was the card I know I deserve the most, the one I’ve owned up to the most and the one that bothers me the least now, looking back. I apologized and went above and beyond the call of trying to make amends. It just wasn’t ever enough.

Sometimes you can’t fix it. You can’t make it better. You have to come to terms with the fact that you were an asshole to someone. That you abused someones feelings. Odds are you didn’t mean it, and maybe you didn’t know that you were being inconsiderate, selfish or simply unaware.

Here are the two bright spots in this sky.

These were your worst moments. And you can learn from them.

I know I’m doing my best not too make the same mistakes. *INSERT JOKE ABOUT MAKING ALL NEW ONES*

I can only hope that the people who I’m carrying asshole cards for are doing the same thing.