Is Thinly Veiled Veiled Enough?

I’ve been doing my best to keep my little corner of the web fairly unremarkable. You could argue that the quality of my writing does a good job of that. Well, I could do that to try and be humble. You could do it if you wanted to bust my balls.

And barring random folks that have stumbled here thanks to Google searches and a few people who I was formerly pretty neutral about (until they got bitchy and stupid) that got the link from other visitors I invited, things here are pretty quite. At worst, this blog is self-indulgent and foolish. In its better entries, it helps me think.

My guiding star here, other than trying to get my head back on straight, was that there would be nothing I’d write here that I wouldn’t be willing to say to someone in person. The aliases I’ve handed out to people in my life help matters a lot. Anyone who knows me in the real world either knows who various people are or can figure things out pretty easily.

Yet a couple of things are happening in my head and in my real life that make me wonder if I’m starting to spin my wheels here a little bit. Ironic, given the haphazard nature with which I’ve been posting here in the last month.

Maybe the problem lately is that it feels like this is becoming half fiction. Not in the sense that I’m making things up, but in the sense that using the aliases puts some distance between me and the people involved. That having an audience that knows me and the players isn’t what I need here. That the shield full fiction provides, allowing you to blend and mesh events and people and emotions so that they are as easy or as difficult to digest as you want them to be, is something I need.

Or perhaps the honesty that comes from laying it all out there (or most of it) has been and continues to be exactly what I need. In a fucked up way, feeling like I had nothing to lose anymore made it easier to write with abandon, here and elsewhere. That I didn’t give a damn about what I said because it was the truth, as I saw it, and I’d rather be damned by the truth than comforted by self denial or self deception.

To paraphrase various sayings: That while the illusion remains, only your belief in it continues to give it power over you.

For all the things I’ve set in motion, for all the progress I’ve made, I’m still not content.

Back to the bare heart, bare soul, rambling prose using more words than needed to get the point across. I’ll save the editing and refinement of my words and actions for the job-job, making my boss and our clients happy, making me money. I’ll save the curtailing of my habits to improve my health elsewhere.

In regards to the veil here, I’ll keep it in place for now. It’ll probably remain until I decide to close up shop here. I’ll just put it back around the hammer and chisel, perhaps dulling the noise of the tools as they strike the stone, but certainly not the impact or the effect.