Nothing sadder than not talking

The stillness has been haunting. Oh, things have happened and I’ve plenty of thoughts about everything from the serious to the banal. Since my birthday, since officially leaving the year of my life with the most change since The Death, it has been like I’m still trying to get something out.

At work, I get things done but it takes a little more effort than it should. On BP #2, I’ve been analyzing characters and crafting notes, but none of the characters have been talking. In that regard, I can’t tell who’s copying who. The exercise has been minimal, but present.

It’s not a bad mood. I wouldn’t even call it a mood. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been drawing a deep breath. One where my lungs are just about to burst, lest I empty them.

Five days upcoming. At least 5 posts.

Let’s see if what comes out of my mouth on this breath.

One or the other

Choice, free will and self-determination are all at the core of being a real person. Living with those choices is the shell that surrounds that core.  Depending on your decisions, that shell will take some hits now and again.

That’s something important to keep in mind when you make some of the important fundamental decisions in modern life.

Coke or Pepsi.

Playstation vs. Xbox vs. Wii vs. Huge Debt for buying them all

Punk vs. New Wave

Pro Life vs. Pro Choice.

Corrupt Political Party vs. Corrupt Political Party

And one choice that is very important to me this morning.

Turning the ringer on your phone off when you go to bed vs. Leaving the Ringer on your phone on when you go to bed.

It’s been week for sleep.

Old Friend, New Friend

One of the many side effects of this last year is that my communication patterns and partners have changed. Changing my location, my relationship status, my circumstance and a number of things about my life (and few things about myself that got refined) have lead to some interesting dynamics.

When I had to send out emails every few weeks about my changing location, employment and social status, I was quick to shift people into little mental groupings. Those who passively kept in touch, those who actively kept in touch, those who actively tried to help (on multiple levels) and those who surprised me, both positively and negatively.

Perhaps the biggest surprise came from an old friend I’ve never mentioned here before. For the sake of keeping up with protecting identities, I’m going to call her The Amazon. She’s tall, strong willed, passionate, driven, capable of holding her own in most any situation and generally damned impressive. The Amazon and I went to middle school together. Only two other people who I’m not related to go back with me that far. Back then, as kids, I knew that I thought she was awesome. I was certain of this because I never knew what to say around her and on the last day of middle school, knowing that we were going to different high schools, I did what any self assured 13 year old boy would do.

I waited until she was talking with her friend and I snapped her bra strap.

Yet, thanks to her mother – who was my high school guidance counselor – we kept in touch off and on through high school. I have vivid memories of her on the phone, reading me passages from a book she was enamored with at the time and another time when we went to the movies and she raved about both the movie and the cute actors. Like any very secure and mature 17-year-old boy, I envied several of those actors.

Graduation came and went, sending us our separate ways.

I don’t know how I got back in touch with The Amazon, but somehow in college (or shortly thereafter) I got her email. I sent her what I’m sure was a very random out of the blue hello. And to my delight, she replied.

That established a pattern between us. One of us would email the other every year or so (or every move to a new physical or email address) and say hi. Quick hit updates about jobs and life would accompany the typical “We should really catch up” fare you’d find in most emails like that. And since college, I’ve traded many emails like that. People you kind of remember or people you wished that you knew better and damn it, I’d like to make the effort, but I’m just too busy. Most people that I traded those messages with fell by the wayside. Sometimes it was my fault. Sometimes it was theirs.

The Amazon never fell off my radar. And I can say with a great deal of happiness, I’m glad I stayed on hers as well.

When I sent out the “Um… my life fell apart” email, she responded back with a quick note, but one that actually gave a damn. When I casually mentioned the possibility of asking her some questions about her neck of the woods, she immediately offered not only advice, but also a place to stay if I needed it.

Someone who I hadn’t seen in over decade, someone who I’ve barely talked to in that same amount of time was offering me shelter in the storm that was the latter half of last year. Here’s a woman who I knew as a girl, and she didn’t even blink when she offered me her help. Bold as brass, confident as hell, I could hear the smile and laugh in her emails.

Damn, I’ve got kick ass friends. And I never get tired of thinking that.

So the emails grew more frequent until we broke the seal on phone calls. The first time we talked it was like the first time you hear music by an artist you really enjoy. You don’t know all the beats or the words, but you immediately know that you like it.

The girl I knew ages ago is now a woman I’m getting to know, enjoy and respect. I have all these memories of how smart and charming and just so… self-aware she was even then. Seeing the woman that has grown out of that girl makes me realize that while I may screw up in other areas, I tend to have good taste in friends. Our conversations are a snapshot of our connection from then until now: discussions of the present, mingling in between stories of the past decade absent from each other.

Recently, I watched her get broadsided by job troubles that would send most people running for cover. She had half a dozen business meeting the day after her former employers fired her. She’s in Cancun at this very moment, bathing in sun, sand and endless possibilities of doing whatever she wants to do next.

And I’ll tell you something. This woman, who I can honestly call my friend now… a friend that I value and trust and who inspires me… I have no doubts that she’s going to be fantastic in the next arena she enters.

I mean, come on. Who do you think is going to rival The Amazon?