Old Insomnia, New Reasons

It began when I was in high school. There would be some nights, usually Sunday nights for whatever reason, that sleep would just run from me as fast as it could. It would only be through sheer exhaustion that I’d get any rest at all. I remember those nights vividly, if only because I had nothing horrible weighing down on my mind that would give me a real and just reason to be awake all night.

I’d lie in bed, listening to the slight tink sound as the cord on the ceiling fan would bounce off of the frame as the it whipped round and round on its never ending course. Normally the fan was on just to create white noise, to help make push the noises in my brain further away and allow rest. But on those nights when no fear or stress or sexual thoughts would have justified the insomnia (I was a teenager… cut me some slack, plywood made me think of sex) I’d just get pissed for not having a reason why I couldn’t sleep.

In college, it was a completely different beast. Insomnia became a stalwart ally. It helped me balance an internship, at two jobs, a full course load and various attempts at a social life through my four years. You couldn’t really even consider it insomnia… it was the result of a complex equation involving the amount of sleep the previous night, the amount of food eaten, drinks with caffeine, drinks with alcohol, the amount of sex and/or exercise engaged in and what assignments you had do the week. I’m so far removed from that state of mind and physical self abuse that I only vague recall how ancient I felt the first fall I didn’t go back to classes.

Since then, it’s gotten worse. Insomnia and I are old friends. Usually, he visits for two reasons (I call insomnia a he because, like stress, he always seems to have an agenda). In his way, Insomnia is a yin-yang to in my life. When he flows, he is positive… helping to stimulate the creative process and making my brain focus on ideas and goals. This type of visit from insomnia brings me to my laptop with an eager ache. If I’m lucky, I can write it out. Chase it down with the words on the page and bring myself to a place where the mind is ready for slumber.

When insomnia ebbs, it drains me, but leaves me unable to focus on anything good. It is a seemingly constant Hour of the Wolf, where I’m contemplating all that it is wrong. Even when I can wrangle myself through that mental quagmire and come to good conclusions, the sleep on the other side makes me bearlike for the next day… and think grizzly more than teddy in this circumstance.

What makes me retroactively bitter about all this is that I had a great sleep aid: Love. It sounds cheesy (or perhaps just gives more credence to the ‘I need mental help’ theory) but I sleep better when I’m with someone. Not just dating and not just in the afterglow of some sexual romp. I mean knowing that you’re next to someone who matters and to whom you matter. Even when there are fights and stress and worry to balance out the bed you sleep in with the love and passion and hope and wonder, it becomes a place of refuge and truth.

Now… the new bed I had to buy is a place where Insomnia visits more often than I’d like. He hovers nearby and tosses ideas into my brain based on what his agenda is that night. Inspiration or stress. Hope or fear. Yin or yang.

If I told you that the clock on my nightstand read 1:36 a.m., would you think that I’m writing this because it is a good visit and I’m being creative or it was a bad visit and I’m trying to work it out?

Necessary Suffering

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

Wise words that I’ve been keenly aware of for years now. It is the type of wisdom that makes you nod your head sagely when things are at least stable in your life. At times when things are good in your life you might even add an affirming “Definitely” to yourself or anyone else around when it comes up.

When you’re hurting, or at least when I’m hurting, my first thought is “Fuck You, okay?”

I’m quicker to pull the profanity trigger to myself something reassuring crosses my mind. Far safer than handing those out to people who are trying to help. Of course, those in really close proximity will understand, even if they give you some shit for it.

And I do get it. I understand that I’m rehashing at lot of things that may not matter anymore, even to me. But I’d rather deal with it now. Head on, while everything else is going on at the same time. Sounds stupid and foolish I know. But it works for me.

It is not for everyone. Lots of people I’m close to (or think I’m close t0…) do this often. They push stuff to the side – important decisions and discussions by their own admission – until they either work it out in the background of their mind or they have the emotional reserve to deal with it. Hells, I do it too. Not all the time, but I’ve been known to toss something important on the backburner at times. Sometimes it does make sense and it is the best way.

But I’m an upfront kind of guy. Not that I put everything on the table all at once… but from my own errors of pushing the wrong things to the back and from life reminding me there are no guarantees that the person you need to talk to will be there when the sun comes up again, I lean to the “Let’s talk about this now” school of thought. The caveat being that its something that’s important to me and to the other person.  But I try to be open when it comes to my inner circle and the big Life, Love, Dreams stuff. But that doesn’t work in every situation and I realize that it isn’t going to work here.

The thing about risk, is that you have to be prepared to lose in equal measure that you are prepared to win. You don’t want to lose. No one does, but we all do. But you have to be willing to bare the scar or suffer the pain. You have to be willing to be afraid, but get through it.

Being afraid means you still feel like you have something left to lose.

Now its a matter of deciding if that’s still true for me or not.

Or it could just be that it’s after 4 a.m., I’ve been sick for the past few days (again) and I still can’t sleep.

On This Night Before Christmas

There is no snow outside. No festival decorations hung anywhere in the house. The only sounds in the house comes from the soft murmuring of the television which I’m only vaguely aware of, the gentle clacking of the keys on my laptop as I type and the gentle purring of Bits as she lies curled up on the couch next to me.

Two things hint to the holiday spirit. One is the smell of an apple pie in the oven. It is my conscious attempt at creating sense memory. Growing up, my Dad would take over the cooking for the holidays and part of it was always the baking of apple pies. Dozens of them. So as the scent of apples baking inside a soft crust fills my home and my body, and the anticipation of a warm slice and a tall, cold glass of milk brings me back to years and years of sitting at the kitchen table with my father as he was the calm eye of the storm that was the family milling around him, it brings me back to so many holidays and joyful memories. Thinking back now to the smile on his face and how he just listened and watched the children and grandchildren laugh, yell and just be makes me smile. He held the look of a man who knew how to enjoy the simple parts of life… the kind that come from time and effort, love and devotion.

Which brings me to the other thing that is part of my holiday spirit. My memories. Not just of holidays past, but of people that I wish I was going to see tomorrow.  Its been a strange year and as it closes, I’m both mournful and grateful.  But I’m trying my best not to dwell on anything that doesn’t bring me at least the echo of joy and love.

So tonight, as you tuck in or are tucked in… know that I send to all of you that I love and who love me the best thoughts and memories I can muster. Remembering all that I have been given, all the member of all of my family and all the knowledge and love I’ve been given… those are my gifts.

Tonight and tomorrow I will unwrap them and admire, and keep them near.

Though my cold-rattled body is not near to you, my heart will throughout this winter’s night.

Merry Christmas to All.